Letting signs (and spirit guides) lead the way

It was a Sunday when my son pointed out the owls. They were overlooking the landscape and he asked why they were there. They were the fake plastic kind that are supposed to help scare away other birds and critters.  An hour later, my mom gave him a book with an owl on the front cover. That's a funny coincidence.

That night I couldn't sleep.  I did what I tell my partner NOT to do... I picked up my phone and started surfing the net.  I looked up the symbolism of owls:

'Creatures of the night.' 

'Keepers of ancient wisdom.' 

'Prophets that can sense events before they transpire.' 

'Spirit guides during times of transitions and great shifts.' 

'Owls are considered a priestess's soul-spirit linked via a unique, communicative bond.' 

Reading that last description caused me to pause.  For the last few weeks I had been following the unfolding of a new modern mystery school for urban priestesses. The last video I watched had asked "Do you hear her calling?"

The next day was Monday, back in the government office building, back in my cubicle. The union called a special lunch-hour meeting about potential lay-offs. After the meeting I went and talked with my manager to learn that I would likely be one of the people let go. 

I needed some fresh air. 

I took a stairwell that I don't usually take. Half way down there was a mural of an owl and then the saying "She flies with her own wings"

I stepped out into the open air and I could feel an owl spirit joining me as I walked down the sidewalk. I could feel her graceful wings and wild eyes supporting me just behind every step. I felt a strength rising within me as I navigated the traffic and lifeless parking lots of the business district. 

The week that followed involved an exciting exchange with the co-founder of an eco-village in Mexico which led to a family skype meeting that next weekend. We were invited to come visit the property and learned that there are still lots for sale.

So maybe this sabbatical is happening sooner than expected.  So maybe it's even more than a sabbatical?

Pleasure to be you

I had a night away from home to attend a conference a couple hours south of home. I stayed in someone's home through AirBnB. While using her home partially as a vacation rental, the hostess is building a new business based around her passion for positive psychology.

At the conference I met people following their dreams, some struggling to do so, but nevertheless leading a life they were excited about. Everything from making instruments out of vegetables to opening co-operative craft stores.

I try to shake the feeling that something is still not quite right with where I am in my life. My mind justifies all the reasons why I should be perfectly satisfied and just settle in.  All of my investment in time and money have intentionally led me to this place where I am, but now that I am here I cannot ignore this familiar yearning from deep within. It seems to be simultaneously calling from my youth and from my future-self. Something so wild and unconventional that I can't quite tame the waves of emotion to ever see it take shape.

I have a deep gratitude for the opportunity to do what I currently do. I get to work on things that I truly care about. I am privileged to have this good-paying job in public service that is totally aligned with what I believe in. The work feels very important to me, but i am realizing that 'importance' is not the only important thing :)

I'm constantly reminded of this mysterious untold story... and simply none of the scenes play out within my current cubicle walls. There's a guilt that creeps up within me, anytime I entertain the idea of turning the page. That it's not the responsible thing to do. That it's indulgent. That I am spending too much energy seeking a life of pleasure.

But just as my hostess reminded me this weekend, there is real power in positivity. The more we can align our lives with pure joy and positivity, the more change we can affect. Seeking a life of pleasure could be the way toward a life of purpose. I feel like the last 15 years have been spent trying it the other way around... and although I've landed in a place that, at face-value, should be a perfect fit, the actual day-to-day way in which I live and work is just not cutting it!

So here's to something more radical up ahead; A sabbatical to study and define the path that brings me pure pleasure. I will step into a new space, in a new time... I will look at my reflection in still waters and say "It's a PLEASURE to be you, how may I be of service?"

The Dreaming

Our family recently had the pleasure of going on a week-long winter vacation to Florida to visit family. The time away, the sun, the star-gazing, the beach jogs (while grandma watched the boy)... it was just what we needed to "check-in" with each other on life, our relationship, and where we want to be.

I was surprised to find how open and excited my love was toward exploring the unordinary and alternative. We both agreed that we are ready to move toward something new and to take more risks to reach our true callings. We imagined our family thriving and feeling alive and explored what things would change for us to be living closer to our collective potential. We talked about specific places where we could make this happen, including our current place of residence. Another place that spoke to our hearts: Guatemala, where we had traveled together over a decade ago.

During this little vacation, I also had the opportunity to read Steering by Starlight by Martha Beck, which provided a lot of great exercises to further clarify some deeper yearnings. Although the path is not entirely clear, I am getting better at recognizing the little feelings that arise within me in response to different thoughts or actions. The more I contemplate a family trip abroad, the more right it seems to feel.

Let me tell you about a little magic I experienced upon our recent return...

Our home in Portland Oregon was wonderful to come home to. It's amazing how just a week away can help you see your usual place with fresh eyes. We opened the doors and let the air in. I burned a little incense and brought lots of Daphne and Camelia flowers to our table and counter tops. We unpacked our bags and then started de-cluttering other areas of our home.

I found a wood-carved flute in the bottom of our boy's toy box. It was a flute that we had bought at a craft market in the Guatemalan Highlands. It was next to a bookmark that my mom had given me years and years ago... I had held on to it because of the message stitched into it: "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."

I took the flute downstairs and placed it near my work bag with the intention of bringing a little more of my dreams into the space that feels a little more stuck. At this moment, the sun shined through and illuminated a star carved into the center of the flute. With both hands on this work of art, I saw my firey "North Star" shining back at me!

I went back upstairs and started to clean a mirror-tray of my late grandmother's. It was sitting on the top of our dresser. As I wiped away the dust and peered into the reflection, I saw the exact same firey star glowing back up at me. It was reflecting a painting hanging above, on the wall - two lovers extending toward each other across a lake. It reminded me of the airplane ride the night before, when my partner had exclaimed that a clear lake was one of his most favorite things in the world.

The next day I went back to work. I placed the wooden flute where I would be reminded of these visions. I changed my work computer password into something that reminds me of these dreams.

The Logic

Logic models are visual statements of intended activities and how they bring about the change and results you hope to see. This was a good exercise to think about our hopes and dreams and how a family sabbatical could help us achieve them.

Emily's Family Sabbatical Logic Model:

I'm now zeroing in on that green column above... the objectives. Can we achieve these things through other means at home? Sure, but I feel pretty certain that an extended stay away from the grind of every day life could be a huge help in achieving these things for our family.

I shared this diagram with my other half and didn't really need to convince him of the connections.  The biggest and most obvious question really is whether it could all pencil out. Are the risks worth taking to reach these desired outcomes?  Worth all the hassles of caring for our house, our cat? Worth the potential insecurity and instability upon return? Will we just be taking one step forward and two steps back? 

These are all logistics that need to be figured out and I don't want to underestimate the costs and the importance of developing a realistic budget. At the same time, I don't want our fears of failure to guide our life decisions. The cost of living is expensive and I want to be real about what we can afford. Not everyone is positioned to take a long family trip abroad. It seems that only the privileged or the very nomadic can really make it happen. I would count us as very privileged:  we are white, middle-class, home-owners with three sets of parents who would totally house us in a heart-beat if we fell flat on our faces (not everyone has a stable support network or safety net, and even though it's a worst-case scenario, it's still comforting to know that we wouldn't end up in the streets)!

So this is the "logic", now we have about a year and a half to nail down the "logistics". Here is my first crack at the "to do" list:

Winter
Start a separate bank account (Deposit a certain amount each month?)
Create a tight budget and figure out where we can currently cut back spending
Create a sabbatical budget based on projected costs and savings
Research fellowships or other potential funding sources
Research volunteer work-stays, remote work options

Spring
Finalize top destinations based on budget and desired activities and objectives
Identify a short list of concrete options (specific work-stays, rentals, etc)
Talk with others who have stayed in places we are considering
Transform our garage into transitional housing?

Summer
Decide on specific length of stay
Secure housing abroad

Fall
Brush up on Spanish
Correspond about schooling abroad

Winter

Immunizations

Visas

Begin seeking renters

Spring
Sell stuff
Make sure all bills are electronic
Begin renting out garage (if possible?)
Discuss trip with employers and options upon our return

Summer
Figure out mail collection
Travel, health insurance
Purchase plane tickets

Fall
Pack our bags
Tie up lose ends
Say goodbye to loved ones

What is the Objective?

Planning a sabbatical abroad is a pretty major undertaking. It requires a unique mix of long-term planning with a willingness to step into the unknown and go with the flow. If you have a spouse, it becomes even more challenging to identify a time, within your two intertwined stories, when both can set aside everything you've invested in (jobs, a home, social lives), to co-write a life chapter of plot twists and turns. 

Then there's the kid factor.  Having a family makes taking a sabbatical seem even more tricky and unorthodox. If it weren't scary enough to leave the fragile stability and security of our "normal" lives behind, add the responsibility of your child's well-being and big life decisions take on another layer of complexity.

We are a family of three. Our 3-year old recently described us all as "a monster and two wild giants". We, wild giants, are in our mid-late thirties. We have owned our home for 5 years and our mortgage is our biggest payment, followed by childcare, and student loans. We each have stable modest jobs, one of us works for a small weatherization company and another works for the State government.                                                                                                                                 We've talked about our interest in traveling abroad sometime in the future, but I'm starting to get serious about this dream. I've been looking around at different places and thinking about what our ideal environment and experience could be. This part of the process is a solo endeavor.                                                                                                                                   A new acquaintance who works as a life coach, encouraged me to start this blog. I had reached out to her because I was feeling like something needed to change in my life. I felt like after becoming a mom that things felt turned upside-down, in terms of what kind of job and life I want to lead.  

"If this family sabbatical is part of your dreams," she acknowledged, "then maybe you need to really focus on that." Instead of trying to focus on every little part of my life that still feels unclear, she suggested that placing my energy on this dream will provide the means by which I might figure out some of the other stuff. 

This blog is a way to put this intention out into the universe. In the process, maybe I can help another mom make a similar dream possible. "After all", my life coach reminded me, "there are probably a lot of other families who also dream of taking a family sabbatical!"

I stayed up late that night, reviewing a collection of links that I had already found and pasted into a document entitled "Family Sabbatical". The links were mostly potential places we could stay. One link was to an elementary school that actually encouraged the participation of students on family sabbaticals. The school is in a mountain town in central Mexico and the more I learned about the town, the more I could envision us there. I got excited when I found a posting of a place for rent that was in our price range and in a desirable location. I could barely fall asleep, filled with excitement for what could be on the horizon.

The next day or two, I tried to wait for a time when I could have a heart-to-heart with my fellow wild giant. With the kid and work and stress and everything, it's hard to just find the time to have a conversation. Plus my partner doesn't have the same kind of excitement for talking about future goals and plans. For him, it feels more daunting and draining. I mentally prepared myself for the fact that he may not reflect the same kind of enthusiasm back. 

His response: "What's the objective?"

We haven't finished that conversation, yet. But the question has been sitting with me. I decided not to stall on starting this blog. It's an important question... and one that we need to work on together. I think he may wonder if my excitement for "getting away" is a form of escaping the challenges and stress that we feel here at home. And that's probably not a healthy reason to quit our jobs and move to an unknown town, in a foreign country, without any real plan.

Do I yearn for this family sabbatical because I want to "move away" from the patterns and complexities of our current life? Or do I want this family sabbatical because I want to "move towards" something closer to my true calling?

The "What is the objective?" question makes me think of a classic logic model that outlines a project goal, as achieved through certain activities. As nerdy as it sounds, I think I will go make one now.